This is my story

In 2017, I had my dreamed life. I had a great corporate job, a loving and doting husband, a beautiful baby, a renovated home, two dogs, a cat, and all my love ones were well and alive! I was incredibly thankful and blessed for what I had, and I was living my ultimate dream. In 2018, that all changed. I watched my father who I was very closed too, take his last breath as he lost his battle to pancreatic and liver cancer. I left my very secure corporate job, to try to conceive a second child. Two months after I left my job, my husband of three years suffered a sudden and tragic accident, in which he burned almost 80% of his body. Mostly being 3rd and 2nd-degree burns. At the time of his passing, I didn’t know if I was pregnant with our second child. I got to see the horrific images of all the wounds he sustained on his body. The body that used to hold me, carry our child, and embrace me with so much love, was now destroyed. I had to plan TWO funerals for the two men I most loved on this Earth. So, in a span of FOUR months, I had lost my Father, my Husband, I had no job, no second child, no stability, no security, and I was a 31-year-old widow with a shattered heart and broken dreams. 

My world had been shattered into millions of pieces. I felt that every single shattered piece, had pierced the core of my soul, and it was killing me very slowly with every breath I took. I felt lost, disengaged, angry, overwhelmed, and stressed. I fell into a deep depression. I knew my body was alive, but I felt so dead inside. I thought, how could I continue to live when I already had the life I loved? Why would you even want to keep living? 

I truly lived for my family. I genuinely loved my marriage and the man I had chosen to have a family with. My husband Alex, was funny, wicked smart, romantic, and was the most gentle, loving, and humble soul I had ever met. Sounds too good to be true? Well, it was! We lived with the philosophy of putting each other’s needs first, before our own. We would constantly try to outdo the other with romantic gestures. We were completely in-sync and in love with each other. I can tell you, that in our almost 4 years together, he NEVER yelled at me or used any insolent words. He was a true gentleman. And yes we would disagree at times, but what couple doesn’t? I had found my soulmate, my best friend, my rock, my lover, my husband, and the man I wanted to grow old with. I lived to make him happy, and that in return made me happy and brought so much joy in my life. So when he died, I felt like I had died. 

It did take me time to realize that I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing, and that was not doing anything about my situation. I was dying at a slow rate, all while having to take care of myself, my child, and everything that comes along with losing your loved one. I had to learn how to deal with certain legalities, relationships, thoughts, actions, non-actions, and reactions from other people and myself. I had to learn how to fix things around our home, deal with the finances, and manage it all. Learning and dealing with all these things can be incredibly exhausting and overwhelming, especially while you are grieving with minimum support. But most importantly, I had to figure out and re-learn the woman I wanted to be, and the life I was going to create for my child and I. As much as it pained me, and as scared as I was, I had to learn to EMBRACE WIDOWHOOD. It is still an ongoing process!

- Mari Marquez